Humour
The Drinker
Andy MacMillan, the barman, had a new customer who was very regular in his habits. Every day he would come into the pub and order 3 drams of whisky. He would raise each one ceremoniously and drink it down. After a while, Andy asked him why he did it that way.
"It's like this," said the man. "I have two brothers. One lives in Canada and one in Australia, so we never see each other. We have this way of drinking; we each have one for ourselves and one for each of the other two, and that way we feel we're still in touch".
Finally, one day the man came in and ordered only 2 whiskies. He drank them down in the usual way and was about to go when Andy said, "I hope nothing has happened to one of your brothers."
"No, no," said the man. "They're both fine."
"But you only had the 2 nips," said Andy.
"Oh, I see what you mean," replied the man. "The things is, you see, I've given up drinking!"
"But my brothers havn't!"
from Scottish Jokes, Lomond Books, 2007.
The Runner
A Scotsman and Englishman were in the jungle together. Suddenly, a lion appeared in the distance.
The Scotsman immediately pulled off his heavy boots and and started to put on a pair of trainers.
"What's the use of that?" said the Englishman. "You'll never out run a lion."
"I know" replied the Scotsman. "But I'll outrun you!"
from Scottish Jokes, Lomond Books, 2007
Scots & English
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scotsman shouts"Awa ye feel hoor thatas full Oa coos Sharn"(Don't drink the water it's full of cow s**t.)
The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English. I don't understand you."
The Scotsman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."
Thanks to Charlie Craig.
Scottish Sailor
A Scottish sailor was shipwrecked and washed ashore on a tropical island. As he opened his eyes and gazed around, he saw a lovely young woman wearing only a grass skirt.
"Are you hungry?" she murmured.
"Very," he groaned.
She reached into a little bag woven from palm leaves and brought out a pie and chips wrapped in the previous day's Evening News and still hot. He ate with gusto.
"Are you thirsty?"
"Very," he groaned, more hopefully. From the little bag she produced a bottle of fine old single malt whisky, and he took a long, contented swig.
"And now," she said, nestling against him, "how would you like to play around?"
The Scotsman sat up in delighted amazement. "Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there!" he cried.
from Scottish Jokes, Published 2007 by Lomond Books
Bagpipe Music
A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didnae feel that the natives were friendly.
"At 4 o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Heck, sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes."
from http://www.humorsphere.com/humor/scottish_jokes.htm
Bagpipes are defined as the missing link between music and noise!
Train Travel
Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen.
When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Enlishmen cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
http://www.freewebs.com/scottishjokes
Old Scottish Proverb
No good Scot ever drinks his water undiluted!