The Gift

Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them......"

David Cameron visits the hospital

David Cameron, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

David, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

David turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward?

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

The Octopus

A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world. Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.

Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.

This guy pays his £50.

Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?"

The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

Sports Dog

A Scottish fitba fan told his mate, "My dug watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and doon and claps its wee paws. When we lose it somersaults."

"Yer Kiddin me right? How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend.

The Fitba fan replied, "depends how hard I kick it..."

Grave

An American is up in the Highlands tracing his ancestry, he looks in this graveyard and there's a Scotsman urinating on a grave, the Yank shouts out.. for gods sake man I have never seen anything so blasphemous in ma life!

The Scot shouts back...och ye dinna understand Yank doon under this grave lies ma pal Hamish, I made a pact with him that when he died I would come to his grave each anniversary of his death and pour a bottle of the finest malt whiskey over his grave.

The Yanks shouts back..well it sure don't look like you are doing what your pal asked you to do does it now?

The Scotsman shouts back...och I thought I would filter the Whiskey through ma kidneys first!!!

Minister & Drunk

The minister was sharing a rail compartment with a Scot the worse of drink, who insisted on talking. ‘Please don’t speak to me,’ said the minister. ‘You’re drunk.’

‘Drunk?’ replied the Scot. ‘You’re worse than me — you’ve got your collar on back to front.’

Half Breeds

An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians.

‘You’ll find,’ he said, ‘a great number of Scots half-breeds and French half­breeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.’

‘Not surprisingly,’ shouted a Scot in the audience. "The native women had to draw the line somewhere."