One Liners

Then there were two Scots who bet a pound on who could stay under water the longest. They both drowned.

Three times Jessie brought Sandy to the manse, hoping to be made man and wife, but each time the minister refused because of the groom-to-be’s intoxication. ‘Why do you persist in bringing him to me in such a state?’ asked the minister. ‘Please, Reverend,’ explained Jessie, ‘he’ll no’ come when he’s sober

Scotland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Scottish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. `

A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value."

Sandy went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but he couldn't find any.

How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob? Take up a collection.

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Scotland? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!". Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."

Why are so many Scottish churches circular? So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.

There are two things a Scot likes naked. One of them is malt whisky!

The Kirkcaldy undertaker sent a telegram to the bereaved man, telling him his mother-in-law had died and asking whether he wanted her embalmed, cremated, or buried. Back came the reply: ‘All three — tak’ nae chances.’